Let’s face it. 9 to 5. 8 solid hours of work. Some people just don’t understand the finer points of wasting time at work. They’re afraid of getting caught slacking off right? Makes sense. But there’s a fine line between getting too little done and doing too much.
To be an effective time waster, you have to learn how to chip away at the hours. Goofing off for hours will only get you fired. You need to eat at those little seconds and minutes, and eventually they’ll add up. Capisce?
-Drink. Drink like your life depends on it.
Okay get this. Water, coffee, tea. Drink it. Chug it. Even booze helps. It makes you urinate quicker and more often. No one can blame you for your lack of bladder control. And only a jerk of a boss would really yell in your face. So use that to your advantage. Take your time. Men, even adapt the feminine roles and sit on the toliet. Take your time. Urinals were built for speed. Don’t be robbed of that precious time.
Time wasted: 30 seconds to 3 minutes per trip
After you’ve finished your business, take a little extra time to thoroughly clean those hands. Make ’em squeaky clean. Too many people rush through this, or even ignore it completely. Taking your time washing them attracts minimal suspicion. Wet, scrub, rinse. Even sing that Happy Birthday song for extra seconds.
Time wasted: 15 to 30 seconds per trip
Throughout the week, mess up your desk gradually. Then on Friday afternoons and Monday mornings, say you’re setting aside time to clean up your pigsty, getting yourself ready for the week. Now you can start rearranging those colored pens Mom got for you last Christmas, refilling paper, and catergorizing folders. Don’t forget to order the fancy colored ones.
Time wasted: 20 minutes to an hour each week
Load that computer with junk. Download a bunch of useless spam and virus filled files. Although it may crash that brand new Mac, well, that’s the point. Then just sit back and watch your computer lag. If your boss walks by, just mumble something like, “Damn computer.” Watch as he magically laughs and agrees. Give him that wry smile and he’ll saunter away unsuspecting. For added effect, yell and scream at your computer. Then act casually mad, and turn to reading a book as you wait for the screen to load. Try not to attract too much attention. Just enough.
Time wasted: 30 minutes to an hour a day
One blunder that amateur time-wasters make is they surf the Internet on the company’s computer. This is a HUGE no-no as it can result in your walking papers. Don’t use the computer to download that new Kelly Clarkson MP3 or check Facebook. Instead, legitimately use the Internet for business. Need the phone number or address of a client on the other side of town? Don’t waste time using that fat yellow book. Waste time looking it up on the Internet. That way, you can prove to your boss that you’re actually working, while still wasting precious time.
Time wasted: 5 to 30 minutes a day
-Meetings. Meetings. Meetings.
Go to every single meeting that’s in your grasp. Most people know that meetings eat up a chunk of your office time. So use that to your advantage. You’d be shocked at how many people miss those golden opportunities. Just sit down, nod your head a few times, and start planning that vacation to Vegas.
Time wasted: Around 40 minutes a meeting. Plan on 2-3 meetings a week.
-And last but not least. Nap time.
So you’re tired. You need a nap. But even the most seasoned time waster at work may be a bit cautious when it comes to naps. Naps can be very dangerous if caught. Those magazines that say “napping improves employee performances.” Yeah, to your boss, that’s bull. He’s not gonna pay you to sleep.
Try this. Go to a semi-crowded area, and set up a scene. Drop your coffee mug full of decaf, or push your chair aside, etc. Then lie down and sleep. The point is to make it look like you passed out, from a concussion, or a sudden spasm, whatever. Have an excuse ready, and remember to not get sent home. That’s your outside down time. Don’t do it too often, and please. Don’t snore. It gives it away.
Time wasted: Anywhere from 10 minutes to several hours.
Following this list can get you to waste anywhere from an hour and a half to basically the whole day. That means, on any given day, you’re really only doing a few solid hours of actual work. And you gotta consider, though this may be much, you’re really being paid for doing almost absolutely nothing. Congratulations.